The Coach for Divorced Women

“Should You Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children, Part II?”

Posted on July 30, 2011 by maibordelon

In part I, we looked at the pros of staying married for the sake of your children; now, let’s take a look at the cons.

1. You want to stay married so your children can have an intact family; but both of you cannot live peacefully under one roof; you cannot be civil to each other; you fight with each other more often than not, accompanied with a lot of shouting and probably with cursing as well as names calling. So instead of providing a normal family with both parents for your children, you continue to create a violent environment full of tensions and anger for them to live in. If both of you prefer a cold war between each other, the results are still the same for your children; they still live in an unloving environment filled with tensions and coldness. So staying married not only does not bring about the outcome that you aim for, but also put your children in a living situation worse than if you are divorced.

2. Yes, financially, it is better to stay married than to get divorced; however, most of the time money cannot make up for the lack of harmony, peace, and love within the family; and your children will not be happy regardless of how many material things they can have. We all know that but we continue to assume that they are fine as long as their future is secured financially, even though their parents cannot hide the fact that they are at war with each other more often than not.

3. There is no deny that financially it will be hard for you if you get divorced; you have to earn a living for yourself and your children if your husband is not rich and you do not get a good settlement. You cannot spend as much time as you want with your children; but if you focus on giving them love and attention, then the time you spend with them will suffice to give them contentment; even though it is not as much time as when you stay married and do not have to work; that also goes for your husband.

4. If your husband is a good and loving father, you will not have a hard time to ask him to help you out with your children when you need help even if you are divorced. If he is not, it does not make any difference if you stay married or get divorced; because he probably does not help you one way or another.

5. It takes some willingness and a little time to inform each other about your children’s deed to make sure that both of you agree on the discipline that is for your children’s sake. They will not have any reason to resent either one of you; and if they do, it will be toward both of you; if that is the case then it does not make any difference if you stay married or not.

6. They will not feel guilty if both of you keep reassuring them that it is no fault of theirs that you get divorce; and enforcing that with your actions and attitudes to show them your love and care for them. As long as they feel both of your love and care for them, they will grow up just fine no matter if you are married or divorced.

Mainly, the con for staying married for the children’s sake is they will live in an unhealthy, volatile, lack of love and harmony environment if both of you cannot live together amicably or at least civilly; and it will be much worse for them if one or both of you have an affair on the side.

Generally, those are the pros and the cons of staying married for your children’s sake. However, each family will have its own pros and cons to consider; and hopefully, you will choose the right decision for the sake of your children.

Please comment and share. Thank you.

Posted in Advice, Children, Divorce, Family, Love, Marriage, Relationship | Tagged children, children's sake, cons, divorced, does not make any difference, environment, family, financially, for the sake of your children, get divorced, help, husband, love, love and care, pros, stay married, staying married, tensions, time, war, your children | Leave a comment

“Should You Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children, Part I?”

Posted on July 21, 2011 by maibordelon

Should you stay married for the sake of your children? In the old days, most of the answers were yes. Now a day, people will take into consideration all the pros and cons of staying married for the sake of their children.

Let’s look at the pros first.

1. You stay married so your children can have both father and mother in one household. This will give them the feeling that their family is intact and whole; they feel to be normal as any other kid; their world goes on as usual.

2. Financially, it is better to have the full support of your husband, not only for your children, but also for yourself as reality has shown many times over. Your alimony (if possible) and child support cannot be compared to the income of your intact household where your husband brings home the earnings to support his family.

3. If you are divorced, you have to earn a living for yourself as well as for your children; while as when you are married, it is possible that you can stay home and take care of the children yourself, thus they can have their mother’s care instead of babysitter’s or daycare’s.

4. It is easier to have your husband’s help in taking care of your children than to ask that from your ex-husband. It is normal and natural that there are more than a few times you will need help with your children; and normally, your husband will be there to give you a hand. Besides you, supposedly, no one is better to take care of your children than their own father.

5. Your husband and you can participate in disciplining your children more or less at the same time, thus both of you can come up with either the same disciplinary decision or a compromised one. Your children will not have reasons to resent either one of you; whilst they very well may when both of you come up with different decisions at different times for the same deed, if you are divorced. Growing up being resentful of parents is never good for children.

6. Your children will not feel guilty if you stay married. For some reasons, children often believe it is their fault that you get divorced, or they are not good enough for their father to love them if you have the custody of your children; or for you to love them if their father has the custody. And you do not want your children to feel that way.

Except the financial one, your children can really benefit from these things when you stay married only if both of you can live with each other civilly and peacefully.

We will look at the cons in Part II.

Please comment and share. Thank you.

Posted in Children, Divorce, Family, Happiness, Marriage | Tagged care, children, cons, decision, divorced, family, father, feel, household, husband, intact, love, married, mother, pros, should you stay married for the sake of your children, support | 2 Comments

“Why Did Your Ex Leave You and Your Kids for Someone Who Does Not Even Hold a Candle to You?”

Posted on June 28, 2011 by maibordelon

Usually, you think that a man left his family for someone who is younger and prettier than his ex-wife. So you are perplexed when you realize your ex leaving you and your kids for someone who does not even hold a candle to you.

What possessed him to do that? You probably do not know the reason, and your ex may not know it either. So the one thing which you know for sure is he has not gone after the appearance, the outer look, the physical part. Does that mean he aims for the spirit, the mentality, the inside part? Perhaps; and why does he go after that, if he does go after that?

Mostly, you got married because you fell in love with each other, you had fun with each other, and you felt happy with each other; in a word, your relationship worked. So it should have continued to work. Then why did it stop working?

Being married for a while can help you to be closer, to know your spouse more and to feel in tune with each other; or it can induce you to become complacent, to take each other for granted which in turn makes your spouse feel unappreciated, resentful, unsatisfied and unhappy. He might have tried to tell you how he felt; however, either he did not try hard enough or he was not clear in letting you know or for some unknown reasons, it just did not register with you.

As time went on, you continued to believe that everything was fine between both of you while he was discouraged in trying to bring back things that were used to be in your relationship. Giving up trying, he became withdrawn and resigned. Then he met someone who praised and appreciated him; she validated his self-worth and made him feel important; and “Bam” she’s got him no matter how she looks. It is not that you did not appreciate him because you did, but you also thought it went without saying and presumed that he knew. Either he is in midlife crisis or wants to be reassured of his self-worth, he needs to know he is appreciated by his family; and when he felt he was not, he turned to someone else.

That is one of the scenarios of why he left you and your kids. Another one is he just fell out of love with you, or he was not really in love with you in the first place; so when he met someone else whom he’s fallen in love with or believed he has, he left you. Or when he met someone whom he really enjoys being with, much more than with you and the kids, he’s fallen in love with her or believed he has and realized that he did not love you anymore. About the look, remember, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Love is forever; once you love each other, your love will last no matter what. That is true when you appreciate, treasure, nurture it; and especially, when you commit to making each other happy.

Please comment and share. Thank you.

Posted in Advice, Attraction, Communication, Happiness, Love, Relationship | Tagged appreciate, appreciated, believed, go after, happy, in love, know, leave you and your kids, look, love, self-worth, someone else, someone who does not even hold a candle to you, trying, your ex, your spouse | Leave a comment

“Divorced Women – My Ex Is My History; then Why Do I Still Let His Actions Hurt and Anger Me?”

Posted on May 15, 2011 by maibordelon

After your divorce, you are still in the grieving period if you were not the one who wanted the divorce; therefore, with the mental state you are in, your ex is still very much in your life.

You still hold on to the hope that your ex soon will realize he made a big mistake to divorce you, because he will admit to himself the fact that you are the only one for him. Or even though you know he does not love you any more, you still cannot turn off the feelings you have for him like an off-and-on switch. Everything he says or does will affect you deeply, especially the negative things, and even more if they are not true.

It is natural and normal for you to feel hurt and angry, when your ex says negative things about you and the time when both of you were together, even if the love between you and him is gone on both parties. Not only the things he says, but also the realization that the happiness and the beauty of your past togetherness do not mean anything to him at all, hit you hard.

You wonder how both of you have ever come to this end; what really went wrong; why you did not see it sooner, or did not see it at all; and if you had known, could you have prevented it? These questions bother you and do not leave you in peace to deal with the fact that you are on your own now, with your children if you have any.

It is easier said than done when you are advised to forget about him, not to ponder about the past, and move on. The truth is you cannot forget about someone whom you spent a part of your life with, and the father of your children if both of you have children together; especially when both of you had wanted to be together, and there were many moments of happiness between both of you.

You do not have to forget about him and the time you both spent together. Regardless of good memories or not, you gain the experiences from which you always learn something that you can put to use for your own benefits. You cannot change the past. It is up to you to choose to use your experiences in positive ways; or to let them bring you down, turn you into an angry, bitter, untrusting and sad person.

Do not chase away whatever you feel, instead you let yourself feel it all the way, as long as it should be felt. It will end and you do not have any baggage to carry around with you; you will feel free and be ready to build the life you always desire for yourself.

Please comment and share. Thank you.

Posted in Advice, Divorce, Divorced Women, General, Happiness | Tagged actions, anger, angry, children, divorce, divorced women, experiences, feel, forget, happiness, hurt, love, my ex, my history, negative things, past, positive ways, the time, together, your ex, your life | Leave a comment

“What Do You, as a Divorced Woman, Want to Do When Your Kids Like Your Ex’s Girlfriend and You Don’t?”

Posted on April 17, 2011 by maibordelon

Do you want your children to like your ex’s girlfriend? If you do not, and your children happen to like her, what do you want to do?

After your divorce, if you are still in love with your ex, you will hold on to the hope that he will realize you are the only one whom he really loves. You will not want him to have a girlfriend, much less a steady one. And now, he has a girlfriend whom your children also like; you feel like to be stabbed twice in the heart.

So, what are you going to do? Your first thought is “I am going to forbid my children to like her.” And then, you think again “If they do not listen to me, what can I do, when I have no way of controlling them, because they will be with their father and his girlfriend?” You will be in a turmoil because you feel helpless, alone, angry and hurt.

So, you think again “I will not forbid them. I will explain to them how I feel about them liking their father’s girlfriend. I will tell them that I feel betrayed, left out and hurt; when they are with their father and his girlfriend, enjoying their company; whilst it should be me and his father whose company they enjoy.”

And then, you reflect and rethink “But I do not want them to see or to think that I am jealous, or worse, so pathetic. So what can I do now?”

This cycle of thinking and rethinking will drive you up the wall, and does not help you to get anything done or to resolve your heartache.

Honestly, in order to help yourself, you have to realize that the love between you and your ex is gone; at least that is how he feels. Pining after him, and wishing that he will come back to profess his undying love to you will leave you in the grip of the sadness longer than necessary. Instead, let yourself feel the loss of his love, grieve for it as long as needed (you will know when you have enough of it), pick yourself up and start planning what you want your life to be. He, or anyone else, is not responsible for making you happy; you are. Take responsibility for your life and make it out any way you want.

If your children happen to like your ex’s girlfriend, it is fine. It is better for them to have positive feelings than to feel angry, distrust or hate toward anyone. They will grow up feeling love around them instead of hate, happy instead of sad, forgiving instead of vengeful; which, in turn, will help them to become the type of person that you want them to be.

Please comment and share. Thank you.

Posted in Advice, Children, Divorce, Divorced Women, General, Happiness, Love | Tagged angry, be, children, divorce, divorced women, do, forbid, girl friend, happy, hate, help, hurt, life, like, love, think, want, your ex | Leave a comment

“Divorced Women – Is Grooming Yourself a Necessity?”

Posted on April 6, 2011 by maibordelon

Have you ever been asked this question: ”Is grooming yourself a necessity, or is it just to boost your ego about your appearance?”?

From the moment you found out that your ex wanted to divorce you till the beginning of the procedure for the divorce, and during the process of the divorce, and right after the divorce was finalized, however you have looked has been the furthest thing on your mind. It is natural that you really do not care about your appearance, while you are still going through the period of grieving. However, when you are through with your grieving, you will need to take a look at yourself and decide if you want to continue to look the way you do now, or you want to have a makeover if it is just for fun.

Actually, to groom yourself or to give yourself a makeover does not only give you some fun, but also makes you feel good about yourself; therefore, your self-esteem is increased, or even restored if you had none because of the divorce. Furthermore, it also indicates that you are your own boss now; you will look any way you want, and nobody can say a thing about that.

If you do not like the way that your hair looks, then change it. If you do not like your current wardrobe, then also change it; if your financial situation does not allow you to get a new wardrobe, you always can get one new piece of clothing at a time. And even if you cannot afford to buy anything new at all, you can work on making yourself look fit and healthy (you are going to do that anyway); because being fit and healthy will give you a radiance and help you to carry yourself in a confident and attractive way, no matter what kind of clothes you have on.

The benefits of grooming yourself do not end there. When you are ready to go out on a date, you do not have to worry about how you look, you do not need to feel apprehensive about dating again due to the lack of your self-esteem, and you can enjoy yourself wholeheartedly as you suppose to do on a date; and if your date turns out differently than what you expect, at least it is not because you do not look the way you want to, or because you are so self-conscious that you cannot focus on anything else.

So grooming is a necessity. It is necessary for your self-esteem, your self-confidence and especially, for your sense of being the one who is in control of your life.

Please comment and share. Thank you.

Posted in Advice, Divorce, Divorced Women, General, Self-Confidence, Self-esteem | Tagged attractive, benefits, confident, date, divorce, divorced women, enjoy, fit and healthy, groom, grooming, look, makeover, necessary, necessity, self-conficence, self-esteem, want | Leave a comment

“What Did You Do, or What Are You Doing, or What Do You Want to Do, When Your Husband Cheated, or Is Cheating, or May Cheat On You?”

Posted on March 23, 2011 by maibordelon

No woman wants to think of her husband cheating on her. However, that thought just comes to your mind either on its own volition or by something that triggers it; and of course, that is followed by the thought of what you want to do if that happens. This is for maybe in the future; how about what did you do or what are you doing when your husband cheated or is cheating on you?

In the old age and even now, in many countries, the women just took their husband cheating or having other wives as facts of life, even though they never liked these situations and suffered the pain in silence; and I think that none of them left the husbands; or if some did leave the husbands, it was very rare. However, there were exceptions where the wives did retaliate by hurting the husbands or/and the other women; some cut off the husbands’ family treasure; some beat up or disfigured the other women.

And several years back, my mother-in-law told me about this case in Louisiana; the wife found out about her husband cheating on her, she waited until he was asleep, and used super glue to glue his family treasure onto the inner of his thigh. Ouch! I do not know the outcome of this story because my mother-in-law did not know clearly what happened next.

This is what I think, if a husband wants to cheat on his wife, then regardless of what you do, he still wants to cheat on you. Why should you ruin your life, and maybe your children’s too, for someone who did not care about what his action could have done to you; if you hurt him or the other woman, you have to bear the consequences. I know it is easier said than done; it is hard to think clearly and to use logic when you encounter something involving deep emotions as love, jealousy, feeling of betrayal, and hate. You can stop a person from leaving when he or she does not want to leave; you cannot stop a person from leaving when he or she wants to leave. So if your husband cheats on you, I think it is best that you leave him and find someone else who is worthy of your love; of course, any action you take, you will take it with the consideration for your children’s welfare.

So, what did you do or what are you doing or what do you want to do when your husband cheated or is cheating or may cheat on you?

Please comment and share. Thank you.

Posted in Discussion, General, Marriage, Relationship, Solution | Tagged action, asleep, cheat, cheating, children's welfare, consequences, consideration, cut off, do, doing, exceptions, facts of life, family treasure, glue, hard, hurt, hurting, husband, involving deep emotions, leave, not care, retaliate, ruin, stop a person from leaving, suffered the pain in silence, super glue, think clearly, use logic, want, worthy of your love, your life | Leave a comment

“Divorced Women – Why Do I Want an Apology From My Ex?”

Posted on March 9, 2011 by maibordelon

An apology can mean you are sorry, you will not do that again, you want forgiveness, you should not do that, you admit your wrong doings, you realize you hurt someone, etc… The word “apology” is simple; however it can convey so many important meanings. So why do you, divorced women, want an apology from your ex?

In this case, we do not talk about the divorced women who are very happy to get out of their marriage. We talk about the ones who were betrayed, cheated and hurt. You are not only feeling angry and hurt, but also lost and confused; the man you thought that would be by you on your life journey, just left you to deal with the pain which he caused, with the financial hardship sprung up by his leaving, with the loneliness of being alone without a partner, with being both mother and sometimes father to your children (if you have any and you have their custody), and with having to face the world on your own.

Of course, except the case of your ex crawling back to you, asking for your forgiveness and begging you to take him back, nothing will take away the pain, the anger, the humiliation that are caused by him leaving you; and that includes an apology from him. However, the knowledge of him feeling sorry that he hurt you, wanting you to forgive him for the deed and being unable to rest easy if you do not forgive him, somehow assuages your pride, gives you some satisfaction to an extent that will help you to move on a little bit more easily, and that is why you want an apology from him.

Anything is possible; even though you think it is very unlikely that your ex will offer you his sincere apology, regardless of how much you wish for that. People change, mostly for their own benefits. We often say people do not change or it is very difficult for people to change. That is true when the benefits for them to change from a certain thing or a certain way to another, are not great enough, or not much greater than the enjoyment they derive from the thing or the way that they need to change. Your ex may feel that for him to enjoy his life more, or to rest in peace at the end of his life journey, he should own up to his actions regarding you. Maybe by then, you will not care one way or another. So mostly for his benefits that he may apologize to you; and because of that reason alone, the chance of him doing that is greater than when he has to apologize to you for your benefits.

Please comment and share. Thank you.

Posted in Divorce, Divorced Women, Forgiveness, General | Tagged anger, apologize, apology, assuages your pride, benefits, change, divorced women, financial hardship, forgiveness, great, greater, humiliation, hurt, important meanings, life journey, loneliness, pain, satisfaction, simple, want, your ex | Leave a comment

“Divorced Women – What Should I do? He Left Me Homeless and Jobless, but I Still Love Him!”

Posted on March 3, 2011 by maibordelon

What should you do when your ex divorced you, threw you out of the house with no money and no job, and kept your children (if you have any), when the divorce was initiated due to no fault of yours? And for some reasons, legally, you cannot stop him from doing those things.

First, you go to your family or friends for help; if you believe you cannot do that because for some reasons, you cut off the contact with them after you had gotten married; do it anyway. Do not give up on your family and friends before you try to come back to them and ask for help; you might be surprised by the outcomes. If unfortunately, they refuse to or cannot offer you their help; or you really do not have any family or friend, go to Red Cross, or Salvation Army, or homeless shelter, or shelter for abused women so you can have a place to stay.

Second, go to the welfare department in your area. Explain your situation to them and ask them to help you. They may be able to give you a place to live temporarily and some money, or just some money, and you can stay with your family or with friends or in one of those places mentioned above in the meantime. If you already knew which skills you have, or if you do not know then what you enjoy doing and are good at doing them are your skills; tell the welfare people about that to see if you need to be trained again or anew.

Ask the welfare people to find a public lawyer (public lawyers are free) for you. Tell her or him your situation to see if she or he will be able to do anything for you, especially where your children are concerned (if you have any). And at every chance you get to be with your children, tell and show them that you always love and care for them no matter what.

If you feel that you still love your ex after what he did to you, take a moment and think about it; are you sure it is love that you feel? How can you love someone who has been cruel to you, due to no fault of yours that the divorce was initiated? If you still proclaim that what you feel for him is love, then maybe you really still love him because somehow you feel guilty about the divorce, therefore, he did not do anything wrong or bad to you. Whatever it is, ask yourself these questions: “Am I happy to love someone who does not want me? Do I want to pine after someone with no hope of being reciprocated, which makes me feel sad and unsatisfied most of the time? Do I want to live my life that way?”

Ultimately, you want to be happy. So why do you want to do things that make you unhappy? Unless, you are sure that he still has feelings for you; in that case, fight with all your might to get him back. Your happiness is in your hand; it is voluntary, you choose to be happy, you will be happy, you will do things that make you feel happy; so do not try to give that control to anyone, it does not work.

Please comment and share. Thank you.

Posted in Advice, Divorce, Divorced Women, General, Happiness, Life Coaching, Love, Solution | Tagged children, divorce, divorce was initiated, divorced women, due to no fault of yours, family, feel, friends, happy, help, homeless, love, money, public lawyer, shelter, situation, skills, welfare, welfare people | Leave a comment

“Divorced Women – I Don’t Have Any Skill. I Cannot Get a Job!”

Posted on February 27, 2011 by maibordelon

When you were still married, you were a stay-home mom; your job was to take care of your children, your ex-husband and your house. It was a 24/7 and not very easy job; however it was an enjoyable and rewarding job, albeit an unpaid one.

You either had worked or had not before you were married; and now, after years of being a stay-home mom, you are on your own with your children to take care of, if you have the custody for them. This is not a problem for you if your ex is rich and you have got a very nice settlement after the divorce, plus the child support money every month; or if he is a decent person and pays enough alimony and child support for you to live on while you are trying to get a job.

Let’s look at the case when you do not have alimony and child support, or you do but they are not enough. If you took care of the finance when you were married, you should have had half of the assets, because you knew how much both of you had, so he could not pull a blind over your eyes; or at least you know how to manage money. But if you did not handle money at all, and now you do not have enough money to live on; you feel lost, weak, hopeless, desperate and the worst, useless because you do not know what to do, because you think you do not have any skill to get a job, and because you do not know if you can manage money to make ends meet.

Good news! You have at least one skill if not more. Whatever you enjoy doing and are good at doing them are your skills; you only do some research to see which one is the most marketable, then you focus on finding a job in that field. In the meantime, you turn to family or friends for support; if you do not have anyone for you to ask help from, go to government for help. It is not a shame for you to live on welfare if you really need it until you can get a job; you can even request to be trained, if the kind of job you are looking for requires you to have some certification in that field.

You can learn how to manage money; one basic and simple rule: do not spend out more than what you take in, and preferably less.

We live in a society that government and various private organizations offer help to people in your situation. Do not lose hope, do some research and do not be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. Remember that you live in a community, not alone by yourself, and we all need some kinds of help at one time or another.

Please comment and share. Thank you.

Posted in Advice, Divorced Women, General, Life Coaching, Money, Solution | Tagged alimony, child support, children, divorce, divorced women, family, friends, government, help, job, manage money, money, skill, stay-home mom, that field, welfare, worked | 2 Comments

“Should You Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children, Part II?”

“Should You Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children, Part I?”

“Why Did Your Ex Leave You and Your Kids for Someone Who Does Not Even Hold a Candle to You?”

“Divorced Women – My Ex Is My History; then Why Do I Still Let His Actions Hurt and Anger Me?”

“What Do You, as a Divorced Woman, Want to Do When Your Kids Like Your Ex’s Girlfriend and You Don’t?”

“Divorced Women – Is Grooming Yourself a Necessity?”

“What Did You Do, or What Are You Doing, or What Do You Want to Do, When Your Husband Cheated, or Is Cheating, or May Cheat On You?”

“Divorced Women – Why Do I Want an Apology From My Ex?”

“Divorced Women – What Should I do? He Left Me Homeless and Jobless, but I Still Love Him!”

“Divorced Women – I Don’t Have Any Skill. I Cannot Get a Job!”

Mai Bordelon – The Coach for Divorced Women

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Mai Bordelon – The Coach for Divorced Women

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